It’s so much easier than I thought it’d ever be.

Can I just say, how the hell did I or anyone else for that matter make it out sane, leaving the year 2022 behind? I felt like last year was turbulent and chaotic! PHEW!!! I needed a breather and a pause off that merry-go-round!

I love the lenses I’m wearing this year though. It feels like I really have this motherhood thing down. I have a routine, I know the signs for teething, I have adjusted to my constantly changing sleep schedule and I am not eating like total shit! It’s honestly fantastic. I almost feel like my old self (we all know she left the building a long time ago), but what I really mean by my old self, is the fact that I have things under control, there’s maintenance involved and I am checking in with me every day; I don’t seem to be haunted by emotions or past situations, I’ve let that shit go. I’m conscious through my everyday tasks and the best part, I’m not overwhelmed. If I feel any sense of overstimulation, I literally shut down the things that are making my brain work too hard and do things that recenter my concentration and balance my energy.

I guess the year 2022 taught me a lot but also to be really consistent. Somehow if I go off the rail, I scold myself and say “you better get back on track!”, but I scold myself gracefully. I’m not hard on myself anymore, I’m human, not perfect and that’s okay. When I need to get back on track, it’s because my body tells me to. I no longer ignore the signs of exhaustion, of being on override, of pain, of sadness, none of it! I listen to my body. If my gut is off, ooh I get back on that clean eating right away.

My new year’s resolution isn’t a new list of things I wish I’d do or stick to for the remainder of the year, it’s a continuation of the tasks and habits I’ve been working on the year before. I’ve researched those habits, I’ve studied myself when I perform them. I test and see what works, what doesn’t and proceed.

I thought motherhood would still be hard, especially when I was undergoing postpartum depression, but it has taught me so much about what I really want, who I want to be with, what I want to be surrounded by and it has been eye-opening.

Before I knew it, postpartum depression faded, my physical health was getting better, my honest smiles returned, I even had a hurting-stomach-crying laughter at some point with my husband and I thought I’d never have those again. My daughter makes my heart melt daily, more like hourly especially now that she’s in the phase of sharing hugs and kisses unexpectedly. I started to enjoy food again, I started to be okay with being in a public space with crowds, my social anxiety creeps up every now and then and I just acknowledge it and the fact I don’t ignore it, is crucial for me to understand, me. I realized I don’t need to meet other’s expectations, I comprehended the idea of dreaming and manifesting and making things happen with the power of my mind, soul and heart.

Then there’s that part that requires action, you need to do, in order to obtain. All these stages of opening up again, remind me of how a book, that has been swamped in a puddle after a storm, needs to be reopened page by page, and dried out. Will it ever be in the same conditions? No. But does it have a story to tell now every time you offer the book to someone or you pick it up for yourself to read? Yes. You recount the book in the storm story and the book is just much more fascinating and it’s like wow, what a warrior, for making it through the storm.

Healing takes work, it takes for you to open it up page by page and dry out the wounds, take care of it and tending to the more delicate pages. Eventually the book dries up. Eventually you heal. Eventually the moment that was hard, has passed and you understood, it was temporary.

If you ask me where am I now in my healing process, I’d say, I am standing in front of an evergreen of trees and a field of flowers and it’s so nice. It’s so nice to finally move out of this mindset of victimhood, of nothing ever goes well for me, of maybe in another life I’ll go for my dreams. We’re diving into that right now! Forget the New Year, this is a base for the rest of my life. To be here, to breathe, to live, and love, it’s so much easier than I thought it’d ever be.

For anyone going through some real trauma, hardships, deep feelings of being stuck and in the dark, it gets better, it gets easier, it’s temporary. Your feelings are valid and your body reflects it all. But, it’s time to get out of that situation and live for you; when you make the choice, it’s the best decision you’ll ever make, because you’ll never want to go back and in that process, you’ve also inspired someone else.

Maybe you’ll meet me in front of the evergreen of trees and field of flowers, and see the sun peaking in between the leaves, and feel the wet soil beneath your bare feet. I hope you do.