The Introduction to Motherhood

Can you imagine someone as small as a bean changing the dynamics of your persona and your entire world? I did not think that was even possible since, well, I thought I was pretty solid in knowing who I was. Now, I’m someone who I sometimes don’t even recognize. Prior to my baby girl, I was a journalist, I was a dancer, I was a fitness addict, not really, okay really (I'd say until the pandemic hit), I was very much this bubbly person, 24/7 and I always looked really good, well dressed, clear skin, bomb hair, batting lashes. I could look almost perfect all the time and my world could be falling apart, but not a soul would know or even suspect it. Now, I’m as transparent as can be.

Tired, messy hair, moody, randomly cries in weird times of the day and I want my baby to sleep when I need it the most, but I don’t want her to sleep when it really is time for her to sleep because I’ll miss her till the next day, but I am also the same person that feels that I’m done parenting three hours before bedtime, but also within the thirty minutes prior to sleeping myself, I’ve checked whether or not the baby is breathing every sixty-five seconds. I sometimes look forward to photo sessions and family outings since it’s a time to show off my new mom looks and look decent for a couple of hours. And then other times, I don’t even like leaving the four walls I sleep in, for days in a row. I used to be able to multitask, I certainly can’t now unless it has to do with the baby. I cry just by having the thought of my baby growing before my eyes, but I am also really proud of who she has grown into and how she accomplishes her milestones along the way. I didn’t understand the meaning of the word “bittersweet”, until I became a momma. Is it too hard for people to understand that I only have time for my baby? Is that selfish? I feel that it’s selfless, but it’s also not good for me, or for anyone for that matter. Having too much time for someone else and not including you is a dangerous mine field. So, here’s to introducing the mother I am today and what’s left of the Paola who existed before and how that transformation began.

 I am not the same person at all. I’m more serious, I’m worried ninety nine percent of the time, I am still funny I guess in my own quirky way, but I feel that I was more free-spirited before. I didn’t think about risks and I mean, I wanted to sky dive and now I don’t. You may be thinking my god, what happened? You only gave birth. But let’s stop right there. Every single pregnancy is absolutely different than anyone else’s, even the ones you may have had before. Your symptoms are different, your palate is different, your body scientifically changes to the point that you are no longer the person you were before. You’re brand new with stretch marks, the loose skin, maybe with skin problems you just started having or maybe your skin acne went away, your taste for food is different, your likings of people change, the list just goes on forever. The want to please others, completely out the window, at least for me. The changes are as brutal to someone else as it is to the person who experiences it. You see life through a whole different set of lenses. How do you learn to love this new person who you barely know while meeting this little human who highly depends on you? The transformation truly started the day I found out I was pregnant. The thought of holy shit I have a human growing inside of me and what the f--- am I supposed to do now dawned on me while I also felt like oh my god, what a gratifying moment to be chosen to be this beautiful tiny bean’s mom.