Layla’s Birthday P.II

We arrived at the hospital at 2:30 p.m., this was after I finished my nails and my husband arrived home from work because it was important to feel and look my best for this day as it was one of the most important days of my life! Anyway, let’s not be dramatic but really, you can’t imagine how nervous I was and yet so ready to stop carrying around this huge belly! The irony is, you don’t stop carrying the same weight post-partum, it’s just not attached. My husband was quiet the whole way driving, I’m not sure what he was thinking but I can imagine it’s finally dawning on him, that the belly I’ve had growing this whole time is a human. No offense to any men out there, but you really don’t think there’s a human there until you see them the day they’re born. Am I the only one who felt this way? I’m here throughout my whole pregnancy enunciating “I AM CREATING A HUMAN IN HERE! IT’S EXHAUSTING”, and it’s as if I was complaining about something quite minimal. Nonetheless, I am completely assertive he was as nervous as I was, our lives will no longer be about us two. It’s us three now for as long as we shall live.  

When we arrived, due to the pandemic regulations, I had to go in first alone and check in at the triage department and once they were done, they would send me upstairs to my delivery room. In less than 30 minutes I was in my room and it was time. Well, not really just yet, but the final countdown began. I changed into my delivery gown and my husband helped me with setting myself up because I had loads of machines connected to me. I had an IV, I had a blood pressure machine connected to my arm, I had the baby monitors wrapped around my back and belly like a corset and then this delivery gown, which is supposed to be comfortable, it is not, I'd rather be naked, (I will consider this if I decide to go through this whole process again) and then there’s this bed... I laid back on this “king size” bed that the hospital offers and my husband sat down in the sofa bed that would be where he’d sleep the night in. I remember taking a huge breath before I began to process that this will happen sooner or later and we will meet this little person we’ve been anxious to meet all this time. Nine months to see the little person who has kicked me from the inside, who made me feel butterflies not knowing if it was gas or not, who made me hate chicken for a while, who made me cry like a crazy person because I felt misunderstood for absolutely no good reason and who made me learn to love myself stretched out or not because I didn’t know how beautiful my body was until I saw it in its many stages during those months.  

By 6 p.m., the nurses came in with the first dose of Pitocin to induce labor and I honestly felt nothing more than regular period cramps about a couple of hours later. I was more uncomfortable with the pressure on my arm like it was wrapped in a hair tie instead of a brace and the fact that I had to pee every damn 60 seconds throughout all that time. The removal of the corset was also impossible. My poor husband really was a trooper at this point, with how many times I needed help to even squat in the toilet. At least they brought us dinner, I didn’t have to starve through the labor process. By 9 p.m., they gave me the second dose of Pitocin and oh boy, that one came in rough! I am usually great with high pain tolerance but this was another level of pain. I was managing it quite well I thought and really didn’t think I needed the epidural at this point, but the nurses were checking on the baby’s heart rate and my blood pressure with the strong contractions and they asked me if I would like it and I did not hesitate this time around. They also recommended I take a sleeping pill just to rest a few hours before delivery since the baby’s heart rate was going down due to the severity of the contractions and the pain I was enduring. I took both epidural and sleeping pill and I got to sleep a solid 5 to 6 hours. My husband and I were knocked out throughout those couple of hours. It was about the most sleep we’d get in a while straight through.  

I arrived with 2 cm dilated. By 6 p.m., I didn’t dilate much, only to 3 cm. Between 9 p.m. and 4 a.m. I had dilated to about 4-5 cm.  It was 6 a.m. and the pain from the contractions and the pressure of the baby’s head was my alarm clock. I literally told the nurse, I have to go number two but I know it’s not that, I know it’s the baby’s head. They told me they had checked me in the middle of the night, I had no clue, and I had dilated really quickly!  I was already 8 cm dilated when I woke up. By the way, when they check your cervix, it is worse than a pap smear. ONE THOUSAND PERCENT! It’s painful, it’s not quick and it’s horrible. Anyway, from here things escalated really quickly! The baby was coming! It’s 7 a.m., my doctor is in a meeting and I'm here moaning and groaning on this hospital bed which feels like a gated cage because I can’t move around and I have nothing to hold on to. My husband at this point is trying to comfort me, I can tell by the way he looked at me he was worried about me being in so much pain. I can’t have another dose of epidural now, it’s way too late and she’s almost here. 7:50 a.m., I am demanding my doctor to my room! “I feel her! She’s right there! Where’s MY DOCTOR?”! I kid you not! My doctor came in like one of those movie scenes, where someone is rushing and slides across the floor and gets dressed somehow super-fast! My doctor did the exact thing! If I were in happier circumstances, I would have laughed I swear. That was it, my doctor put on her gloves and I opened wide hahaha. My husband caressed my head and held my left leg with his other hand to make sure it was held upward; the nurse did the same for my right and I grabbed onto the bed bars next to me and I pushed. My husband said it was a solid 10 pushes and she was out, but all I can hear in the moment is when they told me to hold (meaning hold my breath and push), and the count to 10 each push. Breathe. And push again.  

And then... I heard her cry. Oh my god, there is nothing more relieving than to hear that cry. I held her for a few seconds and my husband looked at me. I’m actually teary-eyed writing this, but I can tell you the way he looked at me was my favorite look of all time. It was the I’m so proud of you-look, we made this and you did it. It was so gratifying to feel that in a split second and in one look. They carried her to her station, my husband cut her umbilical cord and they cleaned her up, did her feet certificate and I got to hold her again.

I could not believe what I had done. How is this possible? She was the size of a grain, to a little bean, to a whole human! I tell you it is still mind-blowing to me till this day and she is 8 months old today. This little baby made our worlds so much brighter. So full of live. So full of gratitude and love and admiration for each other, ourselves and her.

Today is my first Mother's Day with her, but I can tell you I felt like a mother last year while I experienced Mother's Day during my pregnancy. It’s not much different because my life shifted the moment I saw the test read “pregnant”, but it’s the fact that she’s here with us today.

I get to play with her, kiss her, hold her, love her and show her how much her presence, means the world to me, how nothing could ever be the perfect description for how much I love her, because it will never amount to how great that love is. It is a love that is bigger than me. Bigger than a million galaxies. I sit here in our bed, writing this post and she’s sleeping next to me in her crib and I can tell you that I already miss her until tomorrow.

But how beautiful it is for her to be the one to tell us, she’s happy to be here too, with the smile she shares every single morning she wakes us up. She is the reason we look forward to every single day.